Decisions

It seems that this month is full of decisions. Where to move, do we move, start or stop our stores, buy a new laptop, buy a new car, get a new camera, get the dog fixed and so much more. I know some of these sound like no brainers but they are not when you have a tight income and no way of going anywhere.

Example: Buying a car. I’d have to wait at least 6 months to save and even then I’d only be able to get a 1k car, if I am lucky. I can only sell the van for a little amount. Or do I bite the bullet spend some more money and hope that fixes the trouble. Which it might not. I have seem a mechanic and like they said the thing that is wrong can get fixed but once fixed it could show signs of something else wrong with it. This all started with the alternator.  Once that was fixed then a pully broke, then the pully arm, then the belt, now the motor mount and the AC air compressor. As you can see one thing keeps breaking that ends up making more stuff break. I am at the point that this is now kind of funny. 

Now I know that buying a new camera compared to fixing the car or dog seems funny. Most people would be..”fixed the thing then buy a shinny new toy”. But the new toy brings in money so its a have to buy item just as much as fixing the car. 

Most of these “decisions” are already made. All but the moving part….. thats the one that I do believe is going to put me into a mental ward. :/

Again with these feelings

I dislike feeling this way. I am tried of people telling me that its in my head and why don’t you see all the good that you have. WHY!! Because I am messed up in the head people. I do not see life the same way you do. Some day life is the most amazing thing in the world, other day I don’t want to live. Don’t you think I would change it if I could?! 

Today is a bipolar day as always. I am bored yet part of my mind is going over all these things I can or could do then my mind once again tells me I can’t do it whats the point. This is my everyday life. Having to go over and over in my mind just to wash the dishes or take a bath.

Everyday

Part of a story I am writing…

Tonight the whip fell out of my hand; I would have done harm if I continued. She was so beautiful laying there, tinder white skin all red with line of her punishment. But her eyes never gave in. Normally I love the challenge; why else would I train her. Tonight it was too much… To raw in my mind of what was, only a short time ago.