Food

Yes I am over weight, 290, and I have tried so many things. I don’t want to be thin but I’d like to be 50lb lighter. It is almost impossible to lose any weight being married. I feel lost.

Time keeps slipping

As always I keep wanting to write on here but things come up. I now have a car and on somewhat normal laptop. Old but works fine for this type of things.

I’ve been working on eating healthier this last month. This morning I was hungry, upset and mixed up a bit and decided that mcd’s was the way to go. Funny thing is as soon as a smelled it I did not want it but my old habit of not wasting food kicked in and i ate 90% of it. Now I feel ill and my headache is back. I know for a fact that most fast food and overly processed foods do this to me. I just need to keep reminding my self that this happens. As I type this the anger i felt at my self is going away. I am being much kinder to myself. I would not yell at 5 year old me why yell at 30 something me.

I need to clean my house and set quick simple snacks up for myself. Easy water, I love cold water, to grab when I feel hungry.

Also need to set up some project goals. I find a daily schedule does not work but time frames do.
Example: Spend 30 min a day reading does not work as well as saying finish said book by February.

The last massive thing going on in my life is, do we stay or do we move.
On one hand moving back to Tuscon would be amazing. Nicer weather, more places to sell, friends, things to do. However with all those good reasons in mind there are also bad one. More expensive to live, more money to sell there. Yes the bottom line is a money issue.  So thinking that way I need to take money out of the picture. What about happiness?!?! YES! This is the new focus on moving.

Wasted Time

I’ve hardly been able to leave my house for almost 2 months now due to my car being broke and weather. Most people, I am sure, would have over come this somehow and would have done much needed projects. Not me, I dwelled, got pissed off, hurt, sad and even lashed out.

Now I wish I could get the time back and do all the things on my list. As of now all I can do is try and start these projects.  Just do them with out wasting much more time.

On a positive note: I finally finished watching Dollhouse. Not bad at all, but I am a crazy person and did it in a 12 hour sitting. The dreams were weird.. would not suggest doing that.

Decisions

It seems that this month is full of decisions. Where to move, do we move, start or stop our stores, buy a new laptop, buy a new car, get a new camera, get the dog fixed and so much more. I know some of these sound like no brainers but they are not when you have a tight income and no way of going anywhere.

Example: Buying a car. I’d have to wait at least 6 months to save and even then I’d only be able to get a 1k car, if I am lucky. I can only sell the van for a little amount. Or do I bite the bullet spend some more money and hope that fixes the trouble. Which it might not. I have seem a mechanic and like they said the thing that is wrong can get fixed but once fixed it could show signs of something else wrong with it. This all started with the alternator.  Once that was fixed then a pully broke, then the pully arm, then the belt, now the motor mount and the AC air compressor. As you can see one thing keeps breaking that ends up making more stuff break. I am at the point that this is now kind of funny. 

Now I know that buying a new camera compared to fixing the car or dog seems funny. Most people would be..”fixed the thing then buy a shinny new toy”. But the new toy brings in money so its a have to buy item just as much as fixing the car. 

Most of these “decisions” are already made. All but the moving part….. thats the one that I do believe is going to put me into a mental ward. :/

Again with these feelings

I dislike feeling this way. I am tried of people telling me that its in my head and why don’t you see all the good that you have. WHY!! Because I am messed up in the head people. I do not see life the same way you do. Some day life is the most amazing thing in the world, other day I don’t want to live. Don’t you think I would change it if I could?! 

Today is a bipolar day as always. I am bored yet part of my mind is going over all these things I can or could do then my mind once again tells me I can’t do it whats the point. This is my everyday life. Having to go over and over in my mind just to wash the dishes or take a bath.

Everyday

Part of a story I am writing…

Tonight the whip fell out of my hand; I would have done harm if I continued. She was so beautiful laying there, tinder white skin all red with line of her punishment. But her eyes never gave in. Normally I love the challenge; why else would I train her. Tonight it was too much… To raw in my mind of what was, only a short time ago.